I feel like I’m holding my breath
It’s like I’m trying to stay in a very tiny space, and not burst the bubble. Trying to hang onto what’s happening now, and not look too far ahead.
It’s unusual for me, as I’m really quite the planner. I like to know I have business plans and goals; I like to know I have plans to improve my home and garden, I constantly think of what’s coming up and the possibilities that could unfold – I enjoy imagining how wonderful it’s going to be. Usually.
But right now, I’m holding my breath. It’s quite a funny feeling, almost like being stuck on the spot. Like playing statues as a kid, no-one moves for fear of being seen and being struck out of the game. In fact, it feels exactly like playing statues only in real life. I feel like I’m sooo close to home base and succeeding, that I’m actually terrified that it could all go wrong. It feels like everything you’ve worked hard to secure, is tantalisingly close – but you almost don’t want to look for fear of it all just “disappearing” …
It’s made me think about how often we do get in our own way, how often we come close to something and then just get so comfortable with the way things were, that it’s hard to embrace the way things could be. I realise I’m getting in my own way of success, which is ironic given how hard I’ve worked to gain it. Let me explain a little more …
I had the driving energy to work so hard over the past 18 years to provide for my gorgeous son, and have succeeded in doing so – but always with my eye on the prize, being that when the school fees were finished, I could ease off working so hard and create some lifestyle balance.
Now that I have finally reached this goalpost I so longed to get to, I realise I’m so used to working so hard, that it’s not easy to embrace the new lifestyle options that present themselves. As with all our life experiences, we often encounter situations and people who let us down. And sitting on the brink of being able to reduce some of my working hours to embrace some more “living”, I am suddenly quite fearful of trusting that things won’t go wrong just because I “ease up” a bit. I realise that I’ve conditioned myself to just keep working, keep providing, never pause … and perhaps, I’m wondering if I truly deserve the wins ahead, if I am ready to embrace a new lifestyle. What a horrid way to live!
Don’t let your fears of the unknown hold you back from embracing a future path that could provide you so much joy and happiness. I am experiencing firsthand that it is not easy to release some of the things that you have control over to make way for the unknown, but now I realise that it’s ME sabotaging my dreams of a wonderfully balanced life, I’m going to make sure I get out of my own way!
This month, make sure you’re not talking yourself out of opportunities because you don’t feel like you’re “ready” yet. It’s time. You’re ready now.
“You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself” – The Wizard of Oz.
Until next month,
Abby x •