The smell of coffee

It’s not like me to feel down. It’s really not. Well actually, it’s not like me to let feeling down win. I can usually keep it at bay pretty well.

I listen to meditation and white noise apps at night to help me sleep. I take a positive approach to life to basically believe that as quickly as things change for the worse they can change for the better. I try to practice mindfulness and appreciate the small things around me – the tickle of my cat’s whiskers against my cheek as I squeeze him against me, the dog’s tail wagging every time I walk into the room – every time! The smell of coffee at the start of the day, the chill of the wine at the end. Rain on my garden.

These things have kept me buoyed, through times that are often lonely, dark and relentless.

I have a wonderful life, I have fabulous clients and I work hard – and I’m grateful to have the work that I do. There are people who would trade their troubles for mine in a heartbeat. Work isn’t the problem. I’ve tried to age with what I assumed would be “dignity” through COVID. I let the greys grow, visualising these gorgeous silvery streaks. I traded my routine of exercise for a more “organic” gardening style of spending time outdoors. It wasn’t long before one look in the mirror shocked some sense back into me. I now have regular hair appointments, and personal trainer twice a week. It feels so much better, and I really am happy about my approaching “big birthday”. Aging isn’t the problem.

I think, sometimes, you just have a run where you lose faith that things are going to get better. And it’s really complex, because there’s nothing wrong with right now. The problem is though, that everything I’m doing right now, is focused by goals. I work hard for my clients and work extra hard on business projects because I want to actually get time back. I want more me time, time with my son, some “freedom”. I work hard so that I have a nest egg so that I can maybe take a big holiday someday – which I haven’t done forever. But because of all the commitments I make, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get off this mouse wheel.

I realise I’m feeling down, because I’m tired. Physically tired (probably because of the frenzy of fitness due to the “non-problematic” aging), mentally tired (probably due to the additional business projects I’ve thrown myself into) and emotionally tired (let’s face it, I have a teenager in the house). But here’s something that has happened that is new and feels like I stepped off that spinning wheel. I simply said, out loud, “I’m feeling down, and I don’t know why. And I’m tired”. And do you know the response? My son sent me to bed, brought me a cup of tea and sat and played guitar. The cat was snuggled in, the dog snored in her bed at my feet. And they made me smile. And the time with them that I craved, was there.

It’s okay to feel down – but don’t be afraid to say so. You don’t need to understand why you feel sad, or explain it. Just let people help a little. It’s okay to go through rough patches, and sometimes no matter how hard you try to stay positive, life keeps throwing you unexpected and terrible curveballs! It’s okay to call it, and say it’s a rough day, week or month. But let people help. I’m nurturing myself back to positivity, and soon the wine will be flowing, the meditations will be running, and the world will shine again. But until it does, I’m done with false positivity. I’m just going to run with honesty. And I think you should too. It’s the only way to let people in. You deserve that.

With love and strength, Abby x •