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What Women Want - May 2019

30 Apr 2019

Do not fear how love can hurt you

Sometimes we give love to the wrong person.

And when we do, the realisation that they are the wrong person is often a painful one. It’s painful not necessarily because they specifically hurt you (although often they have shown you behaviour that is hurtful), but because you realise they were not the person you thought they were.

This can often leave you questioning yourself – How did you not see those red flags? Did you miss the early warning signs? How did they play you so easily? What kind of bullshit is this dating game?

And it becomes easier to simply shut yourself off from trusting anyone again, telling yourself your life is better without the ups and downs of playing in this farce they call the “dating game”.

I’ve considered myself to be quite “slow” in trusting. I don’t rush into things. I don’t “need” a man in my life, as I have a very happy and fulfilling life already.

I have my own business, my own mortgage, my own system of chaotic debt management that doesn’t need a man to pay for things.

I’ve been single for long enough to be very happy with my own company, my own friends, my own colleagues. I’m not needy, demanding or insecure.

But I sure would love to meet someone I can genuinely spend time with – to embark on a great relationship built on experiencing things in life together, to support and admire each other’s passions, and direction – to just let go and enjoy time together.

And to also enjoy time apart. After all, I’m incredibly independent and genuinely enjoy time on my own – I don’t need someone next to me at all times.

But apparently these are not always good attributes to have, and I am more often told I’m too busy, too independent, too – well just too something that means that it all just kind of fades away. And you realise what you saw in that person either doesn’t actually exist, or is unsustainable. And you give up on the whole dating thing.

But here’s the thing … you shouldn’t give up. As hard as it is, you have to pull up and reframe.

I reflect now on how disappointing a certain person was, as I was truly excited and happy to have met them. But it turns out they just couldn’t seem to take all the joy we felt and just let things happen.

It almost seemed that the better things got, the more frightened he felt. And it all just got into a tangled bundle of pain and confusion as the past resurfaced and fears, guilt and regret overtook his path forward.

And as hurtful as that all is, I now reframe to think how exciting it is that I actually came close to thinking I could love someone again.

That is good news! I have within me the capacity and ability to open up to someone, to start to wonder if what I’m feeling is going to be something that I – we – hold onto. And it’s a long time since I’ve felt that. So maybe I am simply a little further along on my pathway to discovering love, to finding that soul companion I’ve wondered if I’ll ever meet.

So if you’ve been going through a rough run with romance, and feel like it’s all been a waste of time, maybe you too can focus on how YOU were able to give and not on how they were able to hurt.

Focus on the love that is possible, that there is a growing strength inside you that you are getting closer to discovering truly magnificent things with someone you haven’t yet met. Don’t do as I have done previously and bury yourself in so much work and commitment that you justify shutting down being open to others and bury the desire of wondering if there’s somebody out there for you. It’s not healthy, it’s not what life is all about, and you’re wasting not only time but the beautiful wonderful energy you have to give.

And when you reframe, and realise the wealth of love you have in your heart to give, it will make you smile, it will make you feel connected to this wonderful life and it will make you realise that this is what makes you a beautiful person, a beautiful human being.

For when you allow yourself to love, freely and without hesitation, without fear of rejection or hurt, then you in turn allow others to do the same.

Be brave my darlings, and do not fear how love can hurt you – instead choose not to live life without love.

What a woman wants is her perfect partner to appear and join her to live a wonderful loving life, but what a woman also needs to see is that by being in touch with the love that is in her own heart she is already giving this to all those around her, her children, her family, her friends and her world.

Love yourself and those around you first, and surely, surely, surely love with a partner will find you.

My fingers are crossed.

Until next month, and always with love,


PS you can reach me at (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) or join me on insta and facebook @abbyjanecrawford

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