Cuisine Undercover - Liquid - 0 stars and The Lounge Hotel - 1.5 stars

Warning: Expect a LOT of capital letters in this review, because I am ANGRY my friends, ANGRY.

Firstly, in case you are not aware, the so-called Liquid Bar is currently ANYTHING BUT, and is NOT, I repeat, NOT, CURRENTLY SERVING ALCOHOL. I don’t care if their “issues” with their liquor license are resolved by the time we go to print – because if they’re not, the people at

Liquid won’t be telling you. No, they’ll let you come in, get comfy, peruse the menu for a good half hour – they’ll even have the cheek to give you the $20 special menu, where you can choose a main or two tapas and A GLASS OF WINE. APPARENTLY.

In fact, it won’t be until you’ve ordered your two tapas, and requested a glass of the white, that they’ll sheepishly mention the liquor license “issues”, which in a nutshell, means they ain’t serving any. But GET THIS! The $20 lunch special will still be TWENTY FREAKING DOLLARS.

But you can choose any other drink – a soft drink, a juice, a milkshake…

A MILKSHAKE??!

Say good-bye to Liquid people. They have clearly given up.

So it was on to The Lounge Hotel, where surely, the only way was up. In fact, their lunch special was only $15 – and they even had wine. Of course, they looked at us like freaks when we double-checked – but why wouldn’t they? It should be A STUPID QUESTION.

We thought we’d share the satay chicken skewers served on jasmine rice to start, and then each have a lunch special. The Cajun chicken wrap for me, the chicken parmagiana for my companion. The waiter seemed a bit confused, but he also seemed French, very French in fact, to the point where I’m not sure he understood English.

However, perhaps that was just me being angry, and so we resolved to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then two chicken parmas turned up. Carefully explaining the dilemma, one disappeared and a wrap turned up. He disappeared too quickly for us to explain our starter was yet to arrive, reappearing a good five minutes later with the chicken satay. Our attempt to explain again that we wanted this as a starter was met with a blank look, then an apology before he hurried away, “I’m sorry, I did not understand …”

NO FREAKING SH*T SHERLOCK. But that is not why I am angry. I am ANGRY, because had he offered to fix it – perhaps take the mains away or some such rocket-science solution – good faith would have been restored. I have nothing against hiring backpackers, but come ON. You are never going to increase your clientele to the point where you can afford real waiters IF THIS IS THE KIND OF SERVICE YOU OFFER.

But what of the food? I’ve waited 15 minutes since writing the above rant, so hopefully impartiality can now prevail. The chicken satay did not taste particularly peanutty, there were no skewers (though that’s not to say they weren’t cooked on them, but how odd to remove them prior to service?) and the rice was so gluggy it was congealed into large lumps. But, it was surprisingly satisfying – in an English curry and chips at 3am kind of way. Go figure.

My Cajun wrap was genuinely delightful, if not confusing and not at all what I was expecting. It came with guacamole, red onions and sundried tomatoes encased, I think, in an Indian tortilla. While I struggled to recognise the Cajun influence, I have to admit, it was delicious.

My friend’s parma was large and thin – without ham but the tomato and cheese were good and well distributed. The chardonnays we drank were crap, but what do you expect for a $15 lunch special?

I’m tired now. And a little bit sad. I love you Docklands and I find rants like this emotionally exhausting. But for god’s sake, you’re almost all grown up. Pull your socks up and start acting your age.