The garden of my heart

“In the garden of my heart, the flowers of peace bloom beautifully”.

I have listened to these hypnotic lyrics and words of the Buddhist Monk prayer “The Great Bell Chant (The End of Suffering)” constantly in the last few weeks.

Actually, I think it’s months. It is a soothing and incredibly penetrating mix of chants and bells and the voice of Thich Nhat Hanh is reassuring. I listen to them frequently, on repeat play. I’m trying to find the garden of my heart, so that I can see if peace is blooming there.

Because it’s not blooming anywhere else.

Let me explain. I’m sure you’re in a similar situation, in the sense that it’s like March already. In fact it’s nearly April. It was like someone let off a race-starter gun on the 31st of December and I’ve pretty much been running ever since.

It seems to me that I’m not alone in this. I keep saying they are all good problems to have – business is rapidly growing (swallowing me), I am working very long days (and nights), and I have completely forgone weekends (truly).

I know, I know everyone warns you not to burn out, but seriously – what do you do? I’ve found myself energised by the excitement of so many quotes and jobs on, yet simultaneously terrified I’m going to overlook a client or drop the ball (which I have) … I need SYSTEMS, but I don’t have time to put them in place. I need a pause button. I need a garden of blooming peace flowers.

But in all honesty, for me, I think this is just the top layer stuff. You know, the things that are easier to blame for how you’re feeling than the deeper stuff. The stuff that you really don’t want to acknowledge or tackle. The stuff that you know is really at the heart of it all.

Being busy in business is great and the stresses and the problems that come hand in hand with that are easy to name as the reason you’re feeling, well, overwhelmed. But I’m not overwhelmed by my business growth problems.

Far from it. I’m proud of my business growth and the subsequent resolutions required. What I’m overwhelmed by, is the isolation. The claustrophobia of realising that the harder you’re working, the more isolated you are becoming – from friends, from family, from the chance to live a life you’ve dreamt of. The chance to have a partner. The chance to play. The chance to dance. The chance to create the memories that really count.

Finding a balance in life is hard, but you know what’s harder? Living without joy. Living without peace in your heart. So I’m going to try to stop racing frantically trying to please everyone and instead of writing my business action list I’m going to write the key things I want for my life.

I’m going to list the places I want to see before I die, I’m going to write down the types of memories I want to be holding when this life comes to it’s end. And it will all too quickly come to an end.

I’m programming myself to say: “Am I living the very best way I can, for me, for my child, for all my heart and soul aches for, and deserves?”

I wonder, if you asked yourself this question, would there be some things you think of that fill your eyes with wonder and your heart with hope to remember all you wanted to do and be?

Would you, when you’re old, look back and wish you’d just had this moment, this moment to write your list of “must haves” for your life? Wouldn’t you like to be old, with an enormous smile on your face and enough amazing memories to carry you through eternity?

There are many, many things that I do have, and am grateful for. And I know we all need to be responsible and work hard to pay our bills. But it’s when you’re letting busy-ness cover what you’re truly aching for, that you will find you are not at peace. There are some very special people in my life, and I think it’s time I got them to come back into it. Memories are waiting to be made, love is waiting to bloom, and happiness is bursting from the pages of my new list. Maybe when balance is back, the flowers of peace will appear.

May you all find the garden of your heart, and may it be full of blooms too.

With much love in this journey.
Abby xx

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